Jay-Zs 99 Problems: A speculative List
Brillant: Eine spekulative Liste von Jay-Zs 99 Problemen, ich lag eben vor Lachen unter’m Schreibtisch. Meine Favorites:
1. Awkward street cred issues re: recent events with “the 99%.”
5. Irritating eczema between index, middle and ring fingers during change of seasons and humid weather, exacerbated by high temperatures and showering; especially irritating in the middle of the night.
Worries about bad breath.
10. Detection of flowering, toxic claustrophobia/ fears of not being able to ‘get out’ when in group settings in which others would notice signs of anxiety and nervousness such as excessive sweating, heavy panting, body odor, fidgeting, and repeated swallowing.
15. Persistent anxieties regarding making the ‘right’ decision and simultaneous increasing feelings of confusion about concepts of ‘right’ and ‘wrong,’ made esp. troubling by comparison to pre-fame days, when almost always confident in ‘gut instinct’ and rarely questioned decision-making abilities.
19. On Steve Jobs’ bad side when he passed away.
20. Random, unwelcome visual images of Beyonce performing oral sex on Kanye West, Kanye West having intercourse ‘doggy style’ with Beyonce, and, sometimes, Kanye West’s penis.
24. Major losses of productivity due to recent near-obsessive consumption of cat videos.
28. Worries re: porn addiction.
29. Extreme fear of spiders.
35. Still unable to get through Joyce’s Ulysses; currently on his fourth attempt; contributes to an insecurity that holds he’s “not good enough” and “not intellectual.”
41. Current income seems ‘weak’ compared to the GNP of the US, other Western powers.
66. Repeated worries regarding the end of industrial society via peak oil videos on YouTube, related literature.
Bonustrack: Vor mehr als fünf Jahren – 99 Voodoo Problems…