Ich habe, glaube ich, im Leben noch nicht auf Sponsored Content verlinkt. Aber hiermit hat der Onion grade mal die Latte untopbar hochgelegt. Best Sponsored Content ever, besser kann man das nicht machen:
Media consumers across the United States are reporting this week that sponsored content—articles and videos paid for by advertisers and distributed by print and digital publications—is easily the coolest fucking published material anyone could ever read or watch.
“I love, love, fucking love sponsored content,” said news and entertainment reader Erica Olson, adding that when she can tell a corporation is financially behind a piece of writing, she is even more inclined to click on it. “First off, it’s cool. That’s not debatable. Second, I don’t find it in any way insulting to my intelligence. In fact, it makes me feel smarter. And third, did I mention that sponsored content is just really fucking cool?”
The Onion perfectly wraps up this week: „Citizens across the nation confirmed today that, Jesus, this week. This fucking week, sources added. Christ. […] ‘Man oh man,’ Alderman added, shaking his head. ‘Can you believe this? Can you honestly believe the kind of piece-of-shit week we’re having here?’“
X-Posting von den Filmfreunden: The Onion, man muss sie einfach lieben: Meet The Man Inside The Nicolas Cage Costume: „Star Fix has an exclusive interview with the man who has enchanted audiences for the last 30 years playing the delightfully wacky, oversized puppet of Nicolas Cage.“
Too soon? Naaaa… Von The Onion: „Apple CEO Tim Cook announced that in 2012 the company will release the Steve Jobs 2, an updated version of the revolutionary Apple founder featuring a richer, deeper voice and a sleek new white turtleneck.“
The Onion haben anlässlich der letzten Space Shuttle-Mission nochmal einen alten Artikel von Anfang 2010 gepostet, in dem die NASA eine Bowie-Mission mit Major Tom Louis, Major Tom Greely, Major Tom Ohweiler, Major Thomas Sinclair und Major Tom Keenan startet, während der die fünf Toms sexuelle Identitäten in Zero-G untersuchen sollen.
NASA officials announced today the successful launch of the new shuttle Moonage Daydream, marking the beginning of a long-anticipated two-week conceptual mission inspired by British rock star David Bowie.
According to NASA administrator Maj. Gen. Charles F. Bolden, Jr., the highly experimental glam space program—dubbed Project Starman—has been in development for exactly five years. Though engineers initially feared the mission might “blow our minds,” the historic launch ultimately proceeded without incident. […]
According to Ryschkewitsch, the astronauts, or “spaceboys,” as they will be called during the mission, are equipped with state-of-the-art pressurized suits.
“These new suits are veneered with a protective silver lamé to complement the multicolored lightning bolts emblazoned across the helmets’ sun visors,” Ryschkewitsch said. “They’ve also been updated with several improved components to ensure the team is completely safe when it’s time to leave the capsule—if they dare.”
The five-member crew is made up entirely of United States Air Force officers and includes Maj. Tom Louis, Maj. Tom Greely, Maj. Tom Ohweiler, Maj. Thomas Sinclair, and Maj. Tom Keenan.
While the mission will primarily study paranoia, decadence, and the fluidity of sexual identity in a zero-gravity environment, additional scientific testing will be conducted during the shuttle’s 14-day orbit of Earth.
Mein neues Lieblingsblog für die nächsten fünf Minuten: Literally Unbelievable – Stories from The Onion as interpreted by Facebook. Das Video zum Bild oben hatte ich neulich bei den Filmfreunden gebloggt, hier nochmal:
The Onion mit einem Insiderbericht, laut dem Warner die letzten Minuten aus dem zweiten Teil des siebten Teils der Potter-Saga in einem eigenständigen siebenteiligen Franchise verfilmen will: „Warner Bros. will recut the last four minutes of “The Deathly Hollows: Part 2″ and stretch it into seven films so fans can enjoy the Harry Potter franchise for another decade.“
The Onion rockt ganz gewaltig und lässt einen gigantischen Osama Bin Laden wie Godzilla aus dem Meer steigen, der New York und Washington plattmacht. Abartig großartig, vor allem auch wegen der kleinen Seitenhiebe wie „He seemed to feed off our weaponry“. Awesome!
NEW YORK—Just weeks after his body was buried at sea, Osama bin Laden burst forth from the ocean depths early this morning, rising to the monstrous height of 500 feet and rapidly making his way down the East Coast of the United States in a rampage expected to leave hundreds of thousands dead and easily eclipse 9/11 as the worst terrorist attack in U.S. history.
Currently, much of New York City and Washington, D.C., including the Empire State Building, the White House, and the Capitol Building, lay in ruins, with overwhelmed rescue crews struggling to assist a country ravaged by the gigantic, irate al-Qaeda leader.
“Our nation faces its gravest challenge yet,” a visibly shaken President Obama said, interrupting his prepared remarks to both houses of British Parliament in London. “I cannot say that we will prevail, only that we will fight to the last.”
“May God help us all,” Obama added as the walls and ceiling shook around him.
The first stirrings of bin Laden were felt in the form of early morning tremors off the Atlantic Coast that reportedly rattled windows as far inland as Ohio. Shortly thereafter, stunned witnesses from a nearby fishing vessel reported that bin Laden, in full robes and with a beard described as “at least 100 feet long,” suddenly rose from beneath the water.
Within an hour, a formidable assembly of U.S. fighter jets and battleships began engaging bin Laden approximately 25 miles off the Atlantic Coast, an encounter officials conceded has so far done nothing to slow the progress of the colossal terrorist mastermind. On the contrary, sources are reporting that bin Laden seems to be absorbing the bombardment and growing both angrier and, shockingly, larger with each strike.
By the time the unscathed bin Laden entered New York Harbor and flung the Statue of Liberty into Lower Manhattan, some estimates put his height at 800 feet.
“He seemed to feed off our weaponry,” Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman Mike Mullen said.
Giant Bin Laden Destroys New York, Washington – 500-Foot Terrorist Emerges From Sea To Wreak Havoc On U.S., hier die Karte von Giant Bin Ladens konotiertem „Path of Destruction“: „The nation’s financial markets are thrown into turmoil as bin Laden rips the New York Stock Exchange from its foundation and repeatedly smashes it against the ground“.
[update] Bin Laden Returns To Sea: „VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—The colossal Osama bin Laden, having carved a swath of unimaginable destruction from New York to Washington, has reentered the ocean, dazed and terrified sources are confirming.“
The Onion über einen Superhelden mit der unwahrscheinlichen Fähigkeit, alles, aber auch wirklich alles größtmöglichst zu versauen:
Neurologists at Johns Hopkins University confirmed Monday they remain completely baffled by Rockville, MD resident Erik Collins, a man who possesses an extraordinary and previously undocumented ability to fuck everything up. […]
“We’ve never seen these cognitive abilities in a human subject before,” said Moore, adding that Collins invariably misses important appointments, fails to call loved ones on their birthdays, and runs out of gas at busy intersections. “Probability dictates that even the biggest fuckups should occasionally get things right, if only by accident. But not Erik. We observed him making breakfast in 72 experimental trials, and 72 times he ended up with an inedible gray mush.”
“Seriously, how does anyone screw up toast?” Moore added.
Al Qaeda Meme-Terrorism. Wie immer sehr groß von The Onion. Hier das Video der zweiten Attacke: Video Of #CutePiglet Wearing Ballet Shoes Crippling Internet (Do Not Watch – ARCHIVE PURPOSES ONLY).
The Onion diesmal mit einem Apple-Cronenberg-Remix und einem Macbook, das direkt aus eXistenZ entsprungen sein könnte. Toll!
In his first major product release since stepping in for an ailing Steve Jobs last month, interim Apple CEO Tim Cook faced a storm of harsh criticism Monday after unveiling a grotesque new version of the company’s popular MacBook that many in attendance described as “disgusting.”
Cook presented the bizarre, malformed new product to stunned silence during a media event at Apple headquarters, revealing a device that, while vaguely similar to a computer in certain respects, appeared to be encased in a thick, flesh-like coating that was visibly moist and engorged. […]
Shocked audience members claimed the appalling laptop, which seemed to many onlookers to have functioning digestive, muscular, and urinary systems, was “hard to look at” and easily the most repellent product yet manufactured by Apple. […]
According to technical specifications released by Apple, the revolutionary laptop also features an advanced graphic display with a movable lid that protects the exposed screen from harmful dust particles or bacterial infections that can cause the monitor to cloud up and ooze a yellow, milky substance.
Tolles Posting von Pixar-Chef John Lasseter auf TheOnion.com: „Jesus Christ, we’ve got you dummies eating up this works-of-cinematic-beauty shit like your miserable little lives depended on it.“
Pixar is bulletproof, assholes. We can put out any old piece of shit that perfectly examines universal themes of love and friendship and just walk away with record box-office numbers. In fact, I think I’ll have my award-winning design team get cracking on an anthropomorphic piece of shit right now. Yes. Shit. I’m talking actual human feces here, folks. We’ll give it eyes and limbs, and—I don’t know—call it Danny Caca. Brad Bird can make a story about how it got lost on its way to the sewage treatment facility. Its best friends are a used sewage-logged tampon and a hypodermic needle. Then we’ll just sit back and watch the receipts come in.
Yeah, it’ll have heart and depth, but still, it’s going to be a talking piece of shit. Kids won’t flush for years because of it.
Hihi, der Onion hat die Schere zwischen Arm und Reich zum achten Weltwunder erklärt. Zurecht.
At a press conference Tuesday, the World Heritage Committee officially recognized the Gap Between Rich and Poor as the “Eighth Wonder of the World,” describing the global wealth divide as the “most colossal and enduring of mankind’s creations.”
“Of all the epic structures the human race has devised, none is more staggering or imposing than the Gap Between Rich and Poor,” committee chairman Henri Jean-Baptiste said. “It is a tremendous, millennia-old expanse that fills us with both wonder and humility.”
“And thanks to careful maintenance through the ages, this massive relic survives intact, instilling in each new generation a sense of awe,” Jean- Baptiste added.