Giant Bin Laden Destroys New York, Washington

The Onion rockt ganz gewaltig und lässt einen gigantischen Osama Bin Laden wie Godzilla aus dem Meer steigen, der New York und Washington plattmacht. Abartig großartig, vor allem auch wegen der kleinen Seitenhiebe wie „He seemed to feed off our weaponry“. Awesome!

NEW YORK—Just weeks after his body was buried at sea, Osama bin Laden burst forth from the ocean depths early this morning, rising to the monstrous height of 500 feet and rapidly making his way down the East Coast of the United States in a rampage expected to leave hundreds of thousands dead and easily eclipse 9/11 as the worst terrorist attack in U.S. history.

Currently, much of New York City and Washington, D.C., including the Empire State Building, the White House, and the Capitol Building, lay in ruins, with overwhelmed rescue crews struggling to assist a country ravaged by the gigantic, irate al-Qaeda leader.

“Our nation faces its gravest challenge yet,” a visibly shaken President Obama said, interrupting his prepared remarks to both houses of British Parliament in London. “I cannot say that we will prevail, only that we will fight to the last.”

“May God help us all,” Obama added as the walls and ceiling shook around him.

The first stirrings of bin Laden were felt in the form of early morning tremors off the Atlantic Coast that reportedly rattled windows as far inland as Ohio. Shortly thereafter, stunned witnesses from a nearby fishing vessel reported that bin Laden, in full robes and with a beard described as “at least 100 feet long,” suddenly rose from beneath the water.

Within an hour, a formidable assembly of U.S. fighter jets and battleships began engaging bin Laden approximately 25 miles off the Atlantic Coast, an encounter officials conceded has so far done nothing to slow the progress of the colossal terrorist mastermind. On the contrary, sources are reporting that bin Laden seems to be absorbing the bombardment and growing both angrier and, shockingly, larger with each strike.

By the time the unscathed bin Laden entered New York Harbor and flung the Statue of Liberty into Lower Manhattan, some estimates put his height at 800 feet.

“He seemed to feed off our weaponry,” Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman Mike Mullen said.

Giant Bin Laden Destroys New York, Washington – 500-Foot Terrorist Emerges From Sea To Wreak Havoc On U.S., hier die Karte von Giant Bin Ladens konotiertem „Path of Destruction“: „The nation’s financial markets are thrown into turmoil as bin Laden rips the New York Stock Exchange from its foundation and repeatedly smashes it against the ground“.

[update] Bin Laden Returns To Sea: „VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—The colossal Osama bin Laden, having carved a swath of unimaginable destruction from New York to Washington, has reentered the ocean, dazed and terrified sources are confirming.“